After leaving a five-year relationship and with no idea how to start dating again, I was non-the-less looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I knew I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry.
With near a one-track mind, I set out on a journey of drawing him toward me by preparing my space and my life for him, and by working on myself.
Reflection for manifesting your soulmate
After the previous relationship, I had 20/20 hindsight and 20/20 vision of what I wanted and did not want. Much of my time I spent deeply reflecting.
I reflected on my part in our dysfunctions, what had worked well for us, where I had settled, and what kind of partnership I wanted to be in.
Decluttering and preparing for your soulmate
I started out my journey by setting up my space and environment for my husband. First I cleansed and cleared my belongings and decluttered everything from my past relationship. New sheets, towels, bedding, pillows, I made room for him in my closet and bathroom.
Envisioning your soulmate
Next, I made a list of the non-negotiables (must-haves), deal breakers, and preferences for my man and relationship. I still look back at this list and I’m amazed at how perfectly my husband lines up with what I was and am looking for in a partner. Here is a look at the list of mine:
Non-negotiable
- Partner-oriented
- Secure attachment style
- Considerate, gentleman
- Sweet, sensual, affectionate, loving, connected
- Dependable
- Responsible
- Spiritual
- Funny
- Smart
- Has a good money mindset (abundant, positive, optimistic)
Preferences
- Handsome, attractive to me
- Thoughtful
- Likes to dance (playful, free-spirited, not concerned with what others think)
- Knows how to cook (creative, thoughtful, wants to do nice things for me) Respects the feminine and women
- Takes care of his body- Eats consciously and likes good food. Likes my cooking.
- Values family
- Wants to have kids in the next 2-3 years
- Enjoys traveling (adventurous, open-minded)
- I like his parents and siblings
- Strong
- Athletic
- Provider
- Masculine
- Is supportive of my dreams
- Is sure of his intuition and sure about our relationship (confident, trusts himself)
- Would be or is a good father (caring, emotionally available, sensitive)
- Has nice friends (friendly, respectful, smart)
- Is motivated to be his best self
Deal Breakers
- Emotionally unavailable
- Avoidant
- Irresponsible
- Lack/scarcity money mentality
- Not affectionate
- Not ready for marriage
- Can’t take care of himself/his living space
- Close-minded
- Has a temper
- Lazy
- Dishonest, cowardly
- Forgetful
- Entitled
- Self-conscious
- Too dependent on me
Once I had these lists, I had a very good idea of who I was looking for. I prayed for him and thought of him often, whatever he was doing. Without a visual of how I wanted him to look, I still knew how I wanted to feel with him. I allowed myself to sink into this feeling a few times a week to call him in.
Self improvement
Finally, there were patterns in myself, my ways of relating with men, and being in relationship that I didn’t know I had—it was the water that I swam in. For me, this was the most transformational and important part of attracting my husband.
I really believe in and try to live by the following:
If you want more, you have to be more.
Unknown
I knew that I wanted to improve my relationship to myself, to men in general, and I wanted a different kind of relationship than I had in the past. And I knew that if I wanted this, there were things I would have to examine, shift, and become the woman who could have those things.
If I had not engaged in self-inquiry and self improvement, I don’t think my relationship with my husband would have lasted when we first started dating because he has done so much work on himself; he is self-aware, and an excellent communicator. In other words, if I had not done this, I would not have been the kind of woman he was looking for.
Since I had no idea to date again, I hired a relationship coach. This was the best decision I ever made and the best money I ever spent.
My coach led me through a process of getting into online dating, tracking which men I was interested in, not interested in, or attracted to and why; and going on dates with men, then debriefing each moment with her.
We would debrief things like:
Something was bothering me and I wouldn’t a) reveal that it bothered me, or B) try to be curious about what was happening for him OR I liked the guy but was having a hard time telling him so OR I would find myself attracted to unavailable, avoidant men because of my attachment style.
In a nutshell I was having a hard time sharing my feelings because I wanted to seem “cool” whereas inside, I was feeling very anxious. My coach helped me unravel why this was happening by looking at my history and childhood. She helped me create practices that allowed me to reveal my true experience little by little.
My coach suggested I try out the authentic relating community in Boulder, and gave me the homework to attend a games night event. That’s where my husband and I met.
We’ve had lots of challenges along the way, we’ve asked for support from our community, we’ve worked on ourselves together and apart, and we’ve made strong commitments to our growth as a couple.
“You almost walked out the door,” he tells me.
That day we met I was on my way out when a handsome man with enchanting sometimes blue sometimes green eyes stopped me.
“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” And that was the beginning of what feels like my version of a fairy tail.
He sweeps me off my feet on the daily.
We’ve asked one another to stretch in ways we never have. We’ve practiced relating together in ways we never have. Wounds are activated and revealed. Shame is brought to light. Triggers are pulled and poked. It’s all on the table, and when it’s revealed it dissipates once again.
We put our resources together. We put our hopes and dreams together. We’re a team, a true partnership. We have created so much freedom…together.
We ask for what we want and need: chocolate, kisses, space, ideas, support, hugs, favors, dates, alone time…
This little microcosm of love and nurturing supports us individually to be more out in the world. For the world.
I hope this story of my journey manifesting my husband helps you in creating the life and finding the love that you need and want.
